The Culture of Arranged Marriages in India
The parents introduce their child to a potential spouse that they found through a personal recommendation or a website. As our marriage progresses, the feelings develop. In urban areas, the future spouses are often expected to go out on dates and develop a romantic relationship in the period between their engagement and their wedding.
The Acceptance of Arranged Marriages in India
Thanks for dropping by. With that in mind, would you like to learn about some of the best options for treatment in the country? Participants in these marriage customs stress that they follow Islamic law Sharia. K or Australia, please do not email me asking how to have your nuptials arranged. Where potential spouses for sons and daughters were once identified through family and social relationships, they are increasingly being solicited through advertising because many urban parents no longer have the social reach that was a given before the rise of nuclear families in India. I used to echo the same opinion as you until I crossed the fence. Regardless of which style one chooses it would be wise to learn from each and adopt the values and skills that each has to offer.
The parents choose several possible mates for the child, sometimes with the help of the child who may indicate which photos he or she likes, for example. The parents will then arrange a meeting with the family of the prospective mate, and the two children will often have a short unsupervised meeting, such as an hour-long walk around the neighborhood. The child then chooses who they wish to marry if anyone , although parents may exert varying degrees of pressure on the child to make a certain choice.
Modern arranged marriage with courtship: This is similar to the modern arranged marriage, except that the children have a chance to get to know each other over a longer period of time via e-mail, phone, or multiple in-person meetings, before making a decision. World Wide Web Services: For more information on matching and online services, see Matchmaker. In traditional Indian Hindu society, the caste system prohibits males and females from mixing freely, and so young people rely on arranged marriages by their parents to find their spouse.
Educational and economic backgrounds are taken into consideration by the parents. Age and dowry are also important aspects of the matching. Since marriage is considered a marriage of the families rather than just the individuals, the process involved in an arranged marriage can be different depending on the communities and families. Generally, it involves a search for a match, exchange of information, background checks, determining the marriage logistics dowry, house, wedding expenses etc.
In twenty-first century India, the caste system is somewhat less rigid, and the preferences of the couple are taken into account. Also, the popularity of "love marriages" over arranged marriages has increased with changes in education and the increasing focus on women's rights.
In Pakistan , several types of exchange marriage exist. In certain tribal regions and rural areas there is a custom known as " Pait Likkhi " Urdu: This involves two families agreeing to marry their children while they are still infants, or even before they are born. The actual marriage takes place when groom and bride are in their late teens or adults. In order for a family to arrange a marriage for their son, they must also have a daughter to be married in return. If there is no sister to exchange in return for a son's spouse, a cousin, or more distant relative is acceptable.
Participants in these marriage customs stress that they follow Islamic law Sharia. The law in Pakistan prohibits women from marrying without parental consent, based on Islamic teachings in the Qur'an that require fathers to protect their daughters, which has been interpreted as advocating arranged marriages.
Specifically, it is seen as a father's duty to find suitable husbands for his daughters. However, he should not force them into unwanted marriages. Nevertheless, there are also child marriage practices in Pakistan that appear to violate Islamic laws. For instance, " Vani " Urdu: A young bride may spend her life paying for the crime of her male relative. Even though arranged marriages were once the norm in Chinese society, it has become common practice for young people to choose their own spouse.
However, after the couple decides to marry, the parents, or older relatives, take over all the arrangements, observing the traditional customs. In Chinese culture, a marriage is not just between two people, but an establishing of a relationship between two families.
A meeting will take place for the families to meet, usually with the bride and groom present. If the parents are not happy about the background of the other family, the wedding does not take place. If both families accept the match, the wedding and engagement negotiations continue according to traditional customs. The girl acted both as an adopted daughter to be married with a young male member of the adopted family in the future and as free labor.
Shim-pua marriage fell out of practice in the s, due to increased wealth from Taiwan's economic success. By the end of the twentieth century in Japan , approximately 30 percent of marriages continued to be the traditional arranged marriages called omiai Japanese: After being matched, the couple meets and decides if they feel suitable for each other.
The parents are usually present at the first meeting. The couple continues to meet socially over a period of time before deciding to marry. In Korea , traditionally the primary emphasis for marriages was on lineage and prosperity of the family. The social status of the husband's family was greatly affected by the marriage, and so marriage between different social classes was rare. A matchmaker relayed information about social and economic status as well as other factors.
Often agreements for the future wedding were made when the participants were very young. According to the traditional way of the past, the couple did not meet one another until the wedding. By the late twentieth century, arranged marriages had become rare except in rural areas. In these cases a matchmaker is still involved, but the couple makes the final decision about marriage. This process, called chungmae , allows the couple to meet but several traditional procedures are still followed.
Arranged marriages are the cultural norm for many Islamic cultures. The couple makes the decision whether to accept the marriage or not, since Islamic law prohibits marrying anyone against his or her will. Among Muslims, an arranged marriage refers to a marriage where husband and wife became acquainted during meetings initially arranged by their parents, with the stated intention of finding a spouse. This process usually starts with the family asking questions about the personality , beauty, family , education , and finances of a potential partner.
After finding someone that appears to be compatible, they make a recommendation for the couple to begin meeting and begin a period of courtship. Islam prohibits unmarried, unrelated men and women being alone together and physical relationships are not part of the meetings.
Shidduch or shiduch Hebrew: The Talmud tractate Kiddushin 41a states that a man may not marry a woman until having seen her first. This edict is based on the Torah statement: A shidduch is often begun by a suggestion from close family members, friends or by people men and women who have made this process their hobby or even their vocation a shadkhan or " matchmaker ".
A professional shadkhan often charges a fee for his or her services. After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners see each other a number of times. It depends on the community practice how many times a couple meets before a decision has to be made whether there will be an engagement or not.
Historically, diplomatic marriages between members of royal families have been a means to seal political alliances. The form of the marriage set the terms of the alliance. While arranged marriages are normally contracted among families within the same community, far-sighted leaders have employed arranged marriages to bind together disparate cultures and nationalities in their realms. The most notable of these was Alexander the Great , who in married 10, of his officers to Persian women. The mass wedding, held at Susa, was a model of Alexander's desire to consummate the union of the Greek and Iranian peoples.
In modern times, Reverend Sun Myung Moon advocated cross-cultural arranged marriages as a means of peace-building. The international couples recognized the challenge of creating harmony between each other in spite of their different nationalities, cultures, and historical memories, as a way to contribute to the reconciliation between their nations. Reverend Moon described the process:. Which one works better? Right and make a blunder for life in the name of love!
Many of my counterparts feel that marriage is unnecessary or terrifying as it leads to various issues which may end up in divorce, a fact that statistics testify to.
Does this automatically imply that arranged marriages are successful? Does it mean that two people who had an arranged marriage are completely accepting and comfortable with each other, enough to spend their entire lives together, happily?
I highly doubt that. With changing concepts of society, added stress and the changing role of Indian women, marriage in itself has become more of a challenge than ever. Furthermore, there are several couples who live in the same house yet do not communicate at all; or couples who have been living in different cities or homes and have no relationship between them. The only reason why these people do not become a representative sample of the population during a survey on divorce, is that legally, they are not divorced by a court of law.
For the sake of society or simply not wishing to get tied up in financial or legal hassles, the couple decides to live in such a scenario. But does psychological separation or detachment not count for anything as long as one is bound by law? When two people have decided to part, whether this includes geographical or spatial relocation, does it not have all the makings of a divorce?
This reflects that Indians are still conventional in thinking of marriage as a set-up in which a person should fit into the family. So does it mean that one needs to be a perfect match only for the family? What about a partner who sticks by you and sticks up for you and treats you as an equal and not as a relative in the house?
Indians are still conventional in thinking of marriage as a set-up in which a person should fit into the family. This clearly shows a trend in the changing face of marital beliefs and highlights the fact that atleast a few states have begun to come out of the veil of traditions. With changing concepts of society, added stress and the changing role of Indian women , marriage in itself has become more of a challenge than ever.
It takes effort, time and patience by both partners invested in it to make it work well. As both have a voice and a level of independence, the desire and willingness to function as interdependent entities is crucial in every marriage. As an Indian woman with an army background which instilled a sense of discipline and responsibility as well as parents who educated me of cultural and societal norms without expecting that I would conform blindly, I have acquired a liberal train of thought and personality.
My personal belief, supported by scientific facts from psychology, is that a marriage must be arranged by two individuals, where they mutually come to a decision regarding the order of their life together; that it be based on love, trust, affection, respect and commitment. The task of utmost importance to the woman was to tend to the husband and take care of the children.
New trends must be allowed to accommodate the old or even reform the old if the earlier patterns are on the way to becoming archaic. Surprisingly, they have a fairly modern and optimistic view of life. My grandmother although less educated than her husband is in no way subservient or timid. Theirs is a marriage of equals where they may have entered into their marital alliance as per an arranged structure but have allowed contemporary views to build their relationship over the last 68 years, happily and respectfully.
While I harbour respect to both kinds of marriages, I choose to take the path where I may maintain my individuality and maturity. I believe that these traits will support me in finding a like-minded partner, who is interested in building our lives together, with a strong foundation of acceptance and love.
Both styles of marriage have advantages and limitations. Regardless of which style one chooses it would be wise to learn from each and adopt the values and skills that each has to offer. Women's Web is an open platform that publishes a diversity of views.
Individual posts do not necessarily represent the platform's views and opinions at all times. I wrote an article on my blog on the same topic. I believe in the final success of marriage love or arranged hardly matters. Every marriage requires work, irrespective of whether it is a love or an arranged marriage.
This article was well written.. I really enjoyed reading about your grand parents and you are right that it is always wise to adapt to each others ways. Hi Surabhi, thank you so much for having taken the time to read my article and providing your feedback on the same. Happily an increasing number of women in India are standing up for themselves and thinking like you. Love marriage or Arranged marriage?
Under this process there must be certain element of compromise while one factor is favourable to offset another deficient factor. The overall evaluation, to some extent makes both persons to believe that each one is a beneficiary will alone lead to the marriage. If dowry and any other compulsory conditions involving money, property or costly gifts transfer are not involved even girls too become equally a beneficiary in such a situation, especially when she is equally or better educated and landed into a gainful employment and will have her own entity with own financial freedom.
Thus the question of Love or Arranged Marriage will never put anyone in a predicament. Love is only favourable step for Marriage… it can also be called an Arranged Marriage. Similarly now a days an ideal family proposed marriage will differ from a conventional Arranged marriage provided both people finds comfortable when the majority of factors are synchronized prompting them to love each other prior to marriage!
This is the present day reality. Prospective brides and grooms…. Please focus more into studies and carrier and be ready to commence the process of marriage….. Let your family too be involved in their own search. They cannot thrust any marriage on you.
You alone will decide your marriage. See all pros and cons of options available, but never waste too much time for this compliance. There is no best decision or worst decision. Once decide never try to do postmortum analysis. You have to carry forward and make a best family…….. You have to believe that you are in the right track for a long haul of life together….. By Indian woman, you probably mean urban educated Indian woman. They are simply married off… Like cattle they are given away to whosoever the family wishes to, usually under compulsion.
Hi, thank you for taking the time to read the article. In response to your comments I would like to mention that you seemed to have overlooked the very introduction to my article. I clearly specified where am coming from and the perspective based on the same i. I have chosen to speak about an issue from my experience while in no way belittling other points of view or choosing to ignore women from other strata of society.
I chose to speak about my own account — completely subjective! We as women all indulge in being part of a change whether it is verbal or action oriented. I wholeheartedly appreciate your concern for women and their betterment and hope for more people to think like you and engage in the process of change like us.
Love Marriage is only a bonding of two hearts, while Arrange Marriage is the bonding of two families. For me my parents are everything, they bring me into these world, nurtured me, fulfill all my needs.
How could i ditch them when they are in need. I would prefer arrange marriage, which can be turned into a love marriage afterwards. Really appreciate your thoughts! Hi Aditi, I read your thought on love and arrange marriage. Good to see your views but would like to comment on that and get your opinion and suggestion too. As you have mentioned that arrange marriage is a bonding of 2 families. Does it mean like love marriages do not bond 2 families.
Family support is the biggest factor for making a marriage successful, irrespective of whether it is love marriage or arranged one. There are people who make efforts to go through the proper system of marriage, even they sometimes get failed due to fake customs and traditions.
Off course there should be an issue of level of 2 families but if that level are same, family people should support love marriages. Then I definitely bet that there would be no problem on love marriages. It hardly matters when two have decided to live rest of the life and they understand each other. I too am in relationship, and feel about the after marriage life not about how would we be married.
Her family is not in support, still we are putting efforts to convince them. I have not thought about any other option then my love. All I think is one has to believe on the after life of love marriage and have to be practical on that.
Ms Sonali, how would you think about love marriages and how would you rate it against arranged one. I appreciate your thought a lot and also would love to read the views on love marriages. Hi Amit, Really appreciate you posting your thoughts on my article and sharing about your life. Love is what binds us all, compassion and understanding are what help us get there, just as you mentioned that what matters most is that you and your partner understand each other.
I love the fact that you are focused more on the marriage than the wedding. With belief in each other and respect that binds you two, I truly believe that by continuing on this path you two would definitely have your dreams come true.
Dear Sonali, thank you for your personal thoughts. I am currently writing a thesis in which I want to make an argument about the changing social fabric of India, which, as Mohan already argued, mostly takes place in the urban areas. To be honest, I am not an Indian, but as far as I can see, things are changing in the way people behave towards each other. Instead of working at home, wives are highly educated and have their own jobs outside the home; although for many young people arranged marriage is still not a question, I seem to hear more and more young people who fall in love and decide to go for that; there might even be more blending between people from different religious or social or, caste backgrounds.
I was curious about the survey done by NDTV you refer to. Could you possibly give me the link to the survey results? Again, thank you so much for your contribution and thank you for reading my comment. Thank you for taking the time to read my article. Would appreciate if you may mention your email ID so I may continue correspondence with you to provide any information you may require from my end.
I also wish to know what is your take while working on the thesis in order to have further clarity on the direction you are aiming at regarding research. Unfortunately I do not have accurate information on this. Do discuss with your families regarding the next step towards a future together. To expect one person, man or woman, to make you happy for the rest of your life is a ticket to divorce.
Hi Sonal, I also wrote a comparison of the two types of marriage on my blog at http: I really enjoyed your piece as it was a different approach to the subject than mine.
You are totally right in that the old ways arranged marriages must adapt to the new ways where for example, the man often is no longer the bread winner. Hey Sonali, loved reading your piece! Can you please get in touch with me? Thank you for your comments. Am based out of Delhi but would be in Mumbai next year in Feb, I guess for a mnth or two. My mail id is sonalidyal09 gmail.
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Dear Sonali, thank you for your personal thoughts. May God grant you the power to live life to your fullest and to find happiness always!
Thanks for the book recommendation! They hold that parents have much practical experience to draw from and are less misguided by emotions and hormones. Sonali - July 7, at 4:
Let me begin by arranged marriage vs online dating that mine is an arranged marriage though I did know my husband arranged marriage vs online dating his family before princeton hookup culture were married. Marriages in more traditional times tended to be arranged by parents, often before the girl reached puberty, and even the male partner did not always have a say in the selection. So marriage is more of a two way process, wherein both the partners should have mutual respect and freedom to live together happily, without any compulsions. Generally, such a match is based on considerations other than pre-existing mutual attraction. I hump a weblog also and want to repost a few shear of your articles on my own journal tract. Antara - February 1, at This clearly shows a trend in the changing face of marital beliefs and highlights the fact that atleast a few states have begun to come out of the veil of traditions.
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